Magnus's resurgence
by sheddingglitter
Summary: The story starts where season 3A ends. Lilith has her hold on Jace, Magnus has lost his magic and Alec has an arrow in his chest. Read how things turn out afterwards. Will Jace really be Jace again? How will Magnus deal things without his magic? And will Alec survive? And if, how will it affect the relationship between Magnus and Alec? Read how they struggle, fight and love...
1. Prologue - Angst

Hey guys, so excited to show you my first fanfic since… uhm… I think… eight years. I'm also excited, because it is my first fanfic in English. So obviously English isn't my mother tongue, but every time I thought about what the characters might say, they did it in English. Funny, isn't it? So sorry for all the mistakes I make. If it is really bad, please tell me… I'm more than willing to improve my English. Also tell me what you like about the story - or don't like! So but now… happy reading! Enjoy it!

More or less daily updates on that story and Chapter two on instagram shedding_glitter :-) Complete second chapter will follow as soon as finished.

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"What have I done?" asked Magnus himself in the few seconds it took him to portal from Edom back to New York. "That will never ever be good again. It won't be… it can't be. Deals with my father simply suck… you should have known, you idiot! Trading your magic for saving the world… pah."

Before he could continue to blame himself, the portal spit him out and Magnus found himself in one of Piranesi's Carceri engravings. The portal had brought him to a badly lit alley, surrounded by brick-walled warehouses. Trash cans lined the back street leading to a rolling gate at the base of a high office building – some windows were lit, the light beneath the gate was flickering and steam rose from the gullies in the ground. After orientation kicked in, Magnus took in the whole scenery and his innards turned suddenly to ice.

Although he couldn't see his face, just the ruffle of dark hair, he instantly knew that it was Alec – lying on the floor, almost motionless, Jace – the Owl – kneeling above him, pressing Alec with force down and – oh god – stabbing an arrow in Alec's chest.

"ALEC!" Magnus screamed, unable to stop himself. He came too late, he failed, everything was in vain. He lost Jace to Lilith, traded and gave up his magic and lost the love of his life.

After Magnus had revealed his presence by his cry, Jace turned his attention to him. Still gripping the haft of the arrow, he looked up, baring his teeth like a wild animal and snarled. He started to rise, facing Magnus with burning eyes, full of hatred and disgust.

More out of reflex, than out of thinking, Magnus drew on the magic, on all the power Asmodeus gave him, drew it from his surrounding, from the earth under his feet, from all the love he felt for Alec and from all the misery, pain and angst he felt right now in the moment.

The power was building up in front of him as a red and orange shimmering cloud of magic. In the moment he felt he could no longer hold it, otherwise it would implode on itself, Magnus threw it against the Owl. He had just one try, it had to work. If he couldn't save Alec, he could at least try to save the world. Maybe even save Jace.

The force of Magnus magic hit Jace in the middle of his chest, sending him flying through the air. The Owl crashed into the rolling gate several feet away.

Magnus tried to hold the magic as long as possible focused on Jace. "It has to work – it has to work" Magnus was begging inside his head. But his power consumed itself too fast, Magnus could feel how the magic spilled out of him and… was gone. The orange and red lightnings holding the Owl pressed against the rolling gate faded and Jace fell to the floor. As soon as he hit it, he started to scream, holding his head in his hands – screamed as it would explode as soon as he took his hands down.

Magnus felt no pity or anything else for Jace – if it had worked and Jace was Jace again, he will know it soon enough – if not, he will know it as well. His mind was full of thoughts about Alec. Was he still alive? Was he dying? Was there anything Magnus could do for him?

Magnus started to run to Alec, almost stumbling over his own feet, running as fast as he could. He skidded to a stop and fell to his knees, instantly he reached for Alec's hand, pressed it hard. It was slippery with blood and sweat – but he could feel Alec's pulse. Slow and weak, but it was there.

"Stay with me" Magnus whispered while the steadied Alec's head with his other hand. Jace was still streaming and fighting his inner demons out of Magnus' field of vision.

Alec was breathing hard, his breath rattling with every gasp he made, deep lines of pain and exhaustion hollowing his face. As he realized that Magnus was kneeling beside him, he returned the squeeze of Magnus hand with all the dying force he had.

Alec coughed once. "Mum said you make a dramatic entrance."

"Wise woman" Magnus replied after he swallowed to make his voice even. He tried to smile, to encourage Alec to stay with him. He could feel that I didn't work, the smile wouldn't come. There was too much sorrow and angst and despair.

"Alec. Alec." Jace having forced the Owl off and having realized what had happened, was running to Alec and Magnus, sinking to his knees as well, touching his _parabatai's_ shoulder and chest gingerly. "Magnus, please, you gotta fix him?" Jace voice was breathless with horror and hope.

"I can't"

Jaces eyes flew open in shock, incredulously he stared at Magnus. "You can't? What do you mean you can't?"

Magnus shook his head still watching Alec; he could not tear his gaze apart to face Jace. "My magic… it's gone" And finally Magnus looked at Jace. "I traded it to break Lilith's hold on you."

Jaces eyes widened even more, filling with tears. His face turned some shades whiter and was twisted with agony.

Jace reached in the back pocket of his pants, retrieving his stele and activated Alec's healing rune. Magnus was still clutching Alec's hand and neck.

Both men tried to keep their love and _parabatai_ alive with their mere will.

"Jace, it wasn't you." panted Alec with hoarse voice and rattling breath, trying to fix his gaze on him, but his eyes kept falling shut.

Jace looked down on his best friend, felt his pain through the _parabatai_ bond and felt his own anguish. He bit his lips, to stop himself from crying - Alec wouldn't want this.

Magnus could feel how Alec's heart skipped a beat and that his breath also stopped one intake. Then Alec coughed and this breath and heartbeat were even again.

"I'll take care of him", Magnus said and faced Jace. Their gazes connected in a deep understanding. They did not both have to watch Alec die. There was still a world to save. Jaced nodded and tugged the stele he was still holding carefully in Alec's grasp.

As Jaced looked up again his eyes filled with a golden glow, full of hatred, purpose and determination.

"I'm going to get Clary!" he said, then took one last deep breath and ran to the office building to face Lilith.

"Stay with my, Alexander… please", Magnus was making soothing noises to calm Alec down. But Alec seemed to be beyond realizing anything, passing into unconsciousness. The breath was low and rattling, his heart skipped several beats and the grip on Magnus was losing its strength- despite the healing rune Jace has drawn. "Stay with me… please".

Magnus lay Alexander's head down as gentle as he could, still gripping his hand, unwilling to break the connection they had – unconsciously hoping that the physical bond will keep Alec alive. With the free hand he reached to the pocket in his waistcoat and withdrew his mobile phone to call for help.

...

Catarina was propped up on her couch, aching feet from a long shift at the hospital bedded on two soft cushions. In one hand she held a book without really reading it and in the other a glass of red wine. The golden cone of light of her reading lamp created an island of comfort. Though she couldn't focus on the book, she was still thinking about that she had denied Magnus to help the day before. He seemed so desperate to help the _parabatai_ of his boyfriend and breaking the hold Lilith had on him. But she couldn't do it, if something went wrong and Lorenzo, the high warlock of Brooklyn, sent her to the dungeons of the spiral labyrinth… if it were for own sake she wouldn't have hesitated a second, but she had Madzie to look after… the young warlock girl had already lost one mother, she couldn't stand to lose the second one…

"Madzie? Is that you?" Catrina was looking up as she heard a low rustle at the entry to her living room. The girl was standing in the doorway in her flamingo pajamas, two neatly plaited braids framing her face, clutching a teddy bear in her tiny hands. Her scarf that had become askew showed the gills on her neck.

Catarina put book and glass down on the small table beside the sofa and rose to walk over to Madzie. "Did you have a bad dream?" she asked.

Madzie didn't reply, but nodded with wide eyes and clutched the plush toy more tightly.

"What did you dream?" asked Catarina – she knew Madzie wouldn't answer, the girl spoke little, but to her surprise the young warlock responded.

"Alec… and there was blood…"

"Oh, my…" Catarina clapped her hand over her mouth. "Poor thing" She lifted the girl in her arms and carried her back to her bed, stoking her hair while she did so. Put her gingerly down and tugged the bed bedsheet firmly around the body of the small girl. After that Catarina set down on the side of the bed and looked into the serious face of the girl.

"Madzie, it was just a dream. No need to worry. Alec will be fine. It was just a bad dream". Oh my god, she really sucked on the mother stuff. Although Madzie seemed calm on the outside, she knew that the little girl was afraid, but didn't show it. She had no other idea to calm and assure her that everything will be fine, than to sing Madzie's favorite lullaby. While Catarina was softly humming, the girl finally fell asleep.

As Catarina left room, she turned the night light on and closed the door quietly. She wondered if Madzie had premonitions, some warlocks could tell the future quite accurately…

The ringing of her mobile phone put a sudden end to her dark thoughts. She hasted to the living room, afraid that the noise will wake Madzie and picked up the call. On the display she could read "Incoming call - Magnus"

"Oh, Magnus, it's good that you call…" she started without preamble. "Madzie dreamed about Alec and is everything okay…"

"Catarina. I need you. Now". Hearing Magnus's voice like this, she knew that Madzie's dream had become the truth. It was low, almost a whisper, but full of despair and anguish.

"I'll be there" she simply said, ended the call and started to create a portal.

...

Magnus dialed Catarina's number and listened to the free line signal „Oh, come on, COME ON, Catarina, please pick up!"

It rang one time, two times, three times... for Magnus it seemed that the passing time had become an eternity, although it were just a few seconds...

Finally his friend picked up the phone, Magnus was at first so relieved that he couldn't speak. If someone could help Alec to survive than it was Catarina – in his long life he hasn't met a more gifted healer than her.

"Catarina. I need you. Now." Magnus's voice was tight and low, this throat felt like someone was struggling him.

"I'll be there" she replied without asking further questions and ended the call.

Magnus watched out for Catarina to appear. Just a few feet from him and Alec away, the air began to shimmer. First like the air above heated streets and pavements on hot New York summer days, when the rotten smell of the East River filled the narrow streets along its shore, when everyone stayed at home and kids were cooling themselves down in the splashing water of the hydrants. Then the air seemed to become more – solid. Blue sparks filled the air and suddenly the portal appeared, like a door popping out of nowhere. Through the opening Catarina showed up and was in a split second beneath Magnus, the portal already closing behind her.

Quickly she wrapped her arms around him, giving him a brief but tight hug, reassuring him, what she will do anything for him.

"Catarina, can you help him?" Magnus nearly didn't ask. He knew that Catarina could feel when someone was too close to death to be rescued.

She focused her gaze on Alec, touched his shoulders with both hands, and closed her eyes. Although she tried to control her features and not to give away her emotions, Magnus could read in her face that it was bad… really bad.

"I'll try. He is not over the edge… yet. And he is strong. There is still a chance", she gave Magnus a reassuring glace and he nodded once. "But we have to be quick." and in split second she turned from a loving and caring friend to a focused nurse. She shifted herself to sit close behind Alec and put his head on her lap – not without pausing to stroke through his tousled black hair and removing some strands that stuck on this forehead with sweat. Although Catarina moved Alec gingerly he started to moan and tossed his head to the left side.

"I need you to remove the arrow" she addressed Magnus.

"WHAT?" Magnus voice was hoarse; incredulously he stared at his old friend.

"I need you to do it NOW!" Catarina was almost screaming, with a glance in Magnus white face she added more softly "If I start to heal him, the tissue will close around the arrow and burry it deeper in his flesh. If we remove it later - that way we will do more damage than it is already done. We have to remove the arrow before I start to heal him and before the _iratze_ someone gave him closes the wound more and more… and yes, I know, it will mean that there will be nothing to stop the blood loss, as the arrow does know. But, Magnus, believe me, it's the only way to save him. Trust me, please" Catarina was nearly begging at the end of her speech.

Once again Magnus nodded a single nod. He squeezed Alec's hand tightly one last time and moved to close both of his hands around the arrow haft that stood awkwardly out of Alec's chest… close to his so soft heart.

Catarina began to weave blue strands of magic around Alec's upper body that spoke of healing and calm and hope.

"I'm sorry", Magnus whispered and with that he pulled at the arrow with all his force, feeling some resistance at first, than the bolt came free.

Although it seemed that Alec has passed into unconsciousness, he started to scream as soon as Magnus touched the haft – the pain had brought him back to the harsh reality. Tears were running down his cheeks, leaving white traces on his dust-covered face, his features twisted with pain and agony, emphasizing the deep lines of exhaustion on his face.

Magnus couldn't stop whispering "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry…" over and over again, clutching the bloodstained arrow to his chest, leaving dark blotches of angry red on his waistcoat.

Meanwhile Catarina focused all her magic on the tiny red hole of the stab wound – her magic turning from a soft, almost turquoise blue, to a darker blue, becoming more and more violet and purple.

"Magnus!"

Magnus was still clutching the arrow, his gaze focused on Alec's face – now somehow unreal calm and almost relaxed – he had finally passed out, thanks to Catarina's healing skills.

"MAGNUS!"

But the hole in Alec's chest seemed unchanged – still an ugly gaping hole.

"MAGNUS!"

Finally Magnus snapped out of his gloomy thoughts and put his focus back on Catarina – suddenly all awake and fully alert. Catarina's glamour was fading! Her complexion changing between a dark brown and an eerie blue, her hair turning from deep black to dull grey to a stark white. Catarina never let her glamour down – not even around other warlocks – so she must be truly exhausted.

"Magnus, please, give me your hand, I need your strength." Her glamour was fully down now, the strands of magic faded to a weak blue, her head sunken to her chest with fatigue and her left hand reached out.

Magnus let go of the arrow, which fell down with a clattering sound and reached for the outstretched hand of his old and best friend. As their hands connected he could feel how his remaining power was poured out of him, his hand and arm began to ache with pins and needles and a dull and hollow feeling began to spread in his body. But Catarina's magic turned more solid, the color changing back to a deep blue and – finally – Magnus could sense, more than actually see, that the wound in Alec's chest was closing, slow but steady.

Black blotches started to appear in Magnus field of vision, making it hard to focus, he started to feel dizzy, his eyes kept falling shut and as Catarina took the last bit of strength of him he finally passed out.


	2. Chapter 1 - Awakening

Chapter 1 is completed. In the end it was more difficult than I thought :-) I changed the chapter a bit while writing, so it isn't like I planned at first, but I hope you like it. In this chapter Alec is his selfless self, Izzy fusses over her big brother, Magnus hides something and Simon and Jace face an unexpected situation...

I hope you enjoy it - please let me know, also if you don't like this chapter.

Happy reading!

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Alec opened his eyes. He stared at a plain white ceiling – perfectly white, no cracks or holes in it and with the strange mixture of bitter herbs and disinfectant in the air he instantly knew where he was: in the infirmary of the New York Institute. Thankfully he closed his eyes and let the strange and detached feeling wash over him only healing and painkiller runes can give. Someone must have given him a lot of them.

Alec tried to remember what has happened and came up blank. He could remember being in the alley behind the office building where Lilith was hiding. Than he remembered only flashes of a fight with Jace – no, of a fight with the Owl – it wasn't his _parabatai_ who has attacked him. Than a feeling of pain and agony. Pictures of Jace with two seraph blades in his hands, Jace breaking his wrist, Jace with one of his arrows in his hand, Magnus's face hovering above him, stricken with fear and tears in his eyes…

As hard as Alec tried to remember he only got flashes, pictures, some feelings, but I couldn't finish the puzzle. Some pieces were missing, some he didn't know where to place.

With a deep breath he opened his eyes again, lifted his head a bit, waited until the wave of dizziness had passed and let his eyes wander over his body.

He lay on a simple infirmary bed with a metallic bed-head, white sheets tugged tightly around his long legs and pulled up to his belly where his bandaged right hand lay. He remembered the pain fire through his arm and body as the Owl had broken his wrist. His bare chest was wrapped in stark white gauze. Suddenly more pictures of memory came rushing back to him. The Owl stabbing him with his own arrow – slowly and with sneering smile on his face. _They say the worst pain a Shadowhunter can feel is the loss of his_ parabatai. _Come here. It's time for Jace to finally feel it._

Hearing a soft stir to his left side he turned his head and looked at Magnus. Someone has pushed the bed Magnus lay in close to his own, leaving no distance between the two of them. His love lay on his side, facing Alec, the tousled bedsheet clutched in his hands and his head bedded on a soft and fluffy cushion.

Colorful sparks of light that the golden rays of sunlight sent through the high stained glass windows played on his bedsheet, creating colored pools on the fabric like paint on canvas. The flashes of light left glittering streaks in his dark hair and on his golden face, his bare shoulder, playing with the jeweled rings on Magnus's hands. Although this scene should be peaceful, it wasn't. Even asleep Magnus looked utterly exhausted, deep lines hardening his face. And something else seemed different, strange and changed.

Like Magnus could feel being watched, he slowly opened his eyes, blinked several times and finally fixed his eyes on Alec.

"Hey." Alec whispered. His voice was hoarse with sleep and thirst.

Magnus smiled a sleepy smile "Hey. Finally awake – my sleeping beauty."

Alec lifted his left hand, searching for Magnus'. He unclenched the bedsheet, tugging the hand of the Shadowhunter with both of his.

"Are you hurt?" Alec asked.

Magnus shook his head, burying it deeper in the pillow. "No, I'm unhurt."

"You don't look so."

"Alexander – no, I'm – I'm fine. I'm just exhausted. Enormous magic melt down…" he smiled a weak smile. "But how are you? Any pain?"

"No. Painkilling runes" Alec shrugged a bit and regretted it at once. He grimaced. "Maybe I need some new ones. But otherwise tired and confused - mostly tired. But Magnus…"

"Yes?"

Alec turned his head again to the left to face his boyfriend "Please tell me what happened to you… you look so… I don't know… different… you don't… sparkle anymore. So I don't believe you, that you're fine."

"Alexander, I've lost my… I've just lost consciousness trying to save you or better while Catarina saved you, she took on my strength. I'll sparkle soon enough again. And for the rest of the story… I'll tell you later, okay? Go back to sleep and I'll search for someone to give you some more painkilling runes. Fine?"

Magnus started to rise from the bed and Alec was about to stop him, feeling that his boyfriend was still hiding something from him, when the door opened and Isabelle came in.

Izzy was wearing high heeled black boots, a dark blue tight jeans and a deep cut blouse with white and blue stripes showing her angelic rune. She carried a tray with some glasses and a bottle of water on it. As she realized that both men were awake her face lit with a broad smile. She rushed to them and only her Shadowhunter grace prevented the glasses and bottle from falling to the floor.

"Big brother! You gave us totally the creeps!" Izzy placed the tray on the nightstand and sat on the bed beside her brother "I'm so happy to see you awake!" She squeezed his shoulder and made Alec wince a bit.

"Hey, Mags!" she added with a lopsided smile to Magnus.

"Ouch." Alec replied. "You're okay, little sister?"

"Yes, just some scratches and bruises. Nothing to worry about." she answered and Alec asked: "Actually I tried to persuade Magnus to tell me what has happened. But he won't, but maybe you're a bit more informative?"

"Oh, Alec, come on. This can wait." Izzy seemed to share Magnus opinion.

"Yes. And actually I was looking for someone to give Alec some more painkilling runes" Magnus supported and got up, shrugging on a fluffy pink bathrobe over his black silk pajama pants.

"That will be me then" Izzy smiled, gestured Magnus to sit down again and started fussing over Alec. She went over to one of the other beds, fetched a second pillow and tugged it under Alec's back, ignoring his protest. As he sat in his bedstead rather than lied, she poured him a glass of water and pressed it in his hand. With her stele she traced some runes on his flat stomach and his shoulders that spoke of healing and curing.

"Finished" she smiled.

"Thank you, Izzy. Really." Alec's tone was calm… an angry calm. "But now _please_ tell me what has happened. How long was I asleep? Is everyone fine? And don't tell me to go back to sleep, I can't anyways with you two fussing over me."

Magnus rolled his eyes and give Isabella a "go ahead" gesture.

"Okay, but just the basics. I know you won't stop asking, until you get what you want." Izzy sat down beside her brother. "You were asleep for two days, almost three. And most of us are fine. And Jace is Jace again."

Alec let go of a breath, he didn't know he was holding. "So what happened in that office building?"

"We haven't figured everything out, yet. But we know for sure that Simon made it to Clary and Lilith in the penthouse. He freed her and together they tricked Lilith. She attacked Simon and activated Simon's Mark of Cain. We think… or we know that that sent her back to Edom. Meanwhile Magnus came back from Edom, just in time to stop the Owl from killing you, he broke the hold Lilith had on Jace and banished the Owl. He called on Catarina to save you."

"That's all?" Alec asked. Looking exhausted but also determined to get to know everything.

"No. What we don't know is if Lilith succeeded in awakening Jonathan and we also don't know what has happened to Clary. After the Mark of Cain was activated there was an explosion… Clary is… Jace is back at the office building digging for clues."

"So Clary is dead?" Although Alec was never close to Clary he felt a wave of sadness and grief wash over him.

"We don't know for sure… and until we've got no proof, she is missing." Izzy replied, but her tone gave away that there was no hope of finding Clary alive.

"What I can't get", Alec yawned as the runes Izzy gave him started to kick in "is why Catarina was there. Why didn't you heal me, Magnus?"

Magnus looked really uncomfortable as he answered: "Catarina is the better healer…?" Izzy shot him furious glances and some kind of unspoken conversation happened between the two of them with a lot of blinking, staring and jerky nods. "And I was really exhausted from curing Jace." he finally closed the topic.

Before Alec could ask more questions his eyelids fell down and he was fast asleep.

...

Simon walked for hours. Up and down the streets of New York with no idea where to go, with no place to be, with no clue where his walk will lead him. He kept thinking about the saying "Not all who wander, are lost" – but he felt lost. And alone. He was missing Clary. And he blamed himself for what has happened to her.

It's already been three days since she was… he couldn't even think the word "dead" – but it was the truth. He had to finally wrap his mind around the fact that she was gone, gone for forever, dead. But he couldn't. Simon still had the feeling that she was around. When he walked down the streets, he saw her red hair flash in the distance and when he ran to catch up, he must notice that it was an entirely different person. Every time his phone rang, his first thought was "Clary" and then he was disappointed that a different name was written on the display, although he knew that she will never call again. Several times he had started to dial her number, only to drop his phone, when he realized no one will pick it up.

He had started to pace to and fro in the apartment he shared with Kyle, tormented with an unrest and with guilt, until his flat mate had sent him for a walk. And there he was, wandering the streets for hours. Once he had ended up in front of the Institute, wondering if he should go in, maybe talking to Izzy. Or maybe even Jace – Clary's boyfriend. But then he went further on – he couldn't stand Izzy's fear for her brother Alec, who was still unconsciousness and Jace's own mourning. Not yet – not now.

He wanted so badly to talk to Clary. Tell her what had happened at his home, that Heidi had tried to kill his mother and sister, that he has bitten his sister and nearly murdered her, hadn't Izzy stopped him, that he had to enchant his mother to stop her from revealing that he was a vampire, that he had to tell his own mother that he had died in an accident. He wanted to let her know, that at least his sister was still on his side, despite everything what had happened. He wanted to talk with Clary about what had happened in the penthouse of the office building, where Lilith had her hiding place. That they had succeeded in saving the world, but his best friend had died doing so – and that it was his fault.

Simon snapped out of his misery as a honking cab nearly hit him. As he looked closer to his surroundings, he found himself in front of the office building where Clary died three days ago.

...

Jace sat close to the edge, his legs dangling over the rim of the office building, the same house Simon was standing in front of. Since the fight with Lilith he had spent nearly every minute at the top of the edifice searching for clues. He only went back to the New York Institute for some quick showers, some hours of sleep and some short visits in the infirmary, checking if Alec had already woken up. But he was pulled back to the building, somehow he had to be there, to stay there. What if Clary hadn't died in that explosion. What if she was somehow saved? But if, where was she? He had the feeling that if he stayed on the top of that building, she will magically come back to him.

But if not? He just found the love of his life – against all odds. Since the first time he saw her, in front of the Pandemonium, he was drawn to her, was attracted and then finally fell in love with her. With Clary at his side he felt like he never felt before. With her he could totally be himself - not Valentine's son - okay, adoptive son - not one of the most promising Shadowhunters of his generation, not the poor orphan to be pitied. With her he was simply Jace.

He just found her, only to be separated from her again. He wasn't allowed to love her, to be close to her, because he was his sister. Jace thought this were the most horrible weeks in his life – he felt like dying from the inside. But this was much more worse. Losing her forever.

After it turned out that Valentine had lied and Clary wasn't his sister, they were so happy. Too short and then he lost her once again. Lilith got her hold on him, tearing him away from his love… trapping him inside his own body, making him watch from the inside how his own hands nearly killed her, how his mouth spoke cruel words, he didn't mean, how he stopped loving her…

After Magnus broke the hold Lilith had on him, he had the slightest hope that he could fix it, make Clary love him again, make her forgive and finally be happy. But all was shattered into pieces as he reached the top of the office building three days ago and Simon told him that Clary was dead – that Simon had killed her.

"Jace?"

...

Simon made his way up the stairs, passing "Do not enter" and "Construction site" signs. As he reached the top of the staircase, he opened the door that led to the former penthouse, where Lilith had her hiding place. From the outside there was no sign, that an explosion so violent had happened, that the whole upper floor was destroyed. As soon as he yanked it open the full destruction was visible and although Simon knew what to expect, he was shocked.

From where he stood he had an spectacular view over the Empire State Building and Manhattan, the sun was almost set and her last warm rays painted the city golden.

The explosion had destroyed all surrounding walls, except the one he was standing in front and which was a desolate memorial of the penthouse's grandeur with its ornamented blue and golden silk tapestry. Small and bigger chunks of concrete lay scattered on the floor, some with protruding metal pieces like rusty bones. In the middle of the space stood a big tomb made out of stone, blackened with grime and with spidery cracks in it.

Right after the blast Jace and he had scanned through the debris, hoping to find anything that would give them hope, but they found nothing – no hints what has happened to Clary, or even Jonathan. So why did he feel drawn to that place, Simon wondered.

Simon stepped further into the room, started to walk around the tomb and stopped dead. Someone was sitting on the edge, his hair a golden halo and obvious unaware that he wasn't alone on the rooftop.

"Jace?"

The Shadowhunter jumped up and was on Simon, knocking them both to the ground. He moved so fast that even with his vampire speed Simon couldn't evade the attack.

"How dare you?" Jace snarled, baring his teeth, his hands on Simon's throat.

Simon fought the urge back to defend himself, to stay as motionless as possible.

"How dare you to come here, murderer?!"

"Jace, stop it, it's me! Simon!", he tried to speak comforting around this fangs, which had popped out - which was impossible and to make it even worse he added: "And otherwise, you know, you can't kill me that way".

"But maybe with that", Jace drew a seraph blade out of his waistband. Simon's survival instincts and vampire reflexes took over and he caught Jace's hand midair.

"STOP IT! What's wrong with you?!" Simon struggled to keep the seraph blade from his face. He was probably stronger than the Shadowhunter, but Jace was so in rage that his anger increased his strength. "I do not want to hurt you."

"Try it", Jace growled and but in some extra force, bringing the blade down, inch by inch.

Simon decided it was time to take over and get the control back. He put his full power in his grip and drove the blade back. Before the bones in Jace's hand could snap, he let go of it. The knife fell clattering to the ground. The vampire used his advantage and kicked Jace hard, sending him several feet flying through the air and crashing into the stone tomb.

"This won't happen again". Jace struggled to his feet and was ready to attack again, but Simon was faster and wrestled him down, using his full vampire strength to hold him down.

Jace tried to twist away, but Simon's arms were like iron bars, pinning him to the ground, fingers digging into his shoulders. The daylighter used his whole body to press the Shadowhunter down: his legs fixed the kicking one's of the other boy, his knees plowing into the muscular tights, his upper part of his body pressed against Jace's. Simon could feel Jace's abdomen rising and falling with every gasp, both their breaths going fast and fierce with rage and anger, he could sense the hard cords of muscles shift as Jace fought to get free, both only separated by two thin layers of fabric. Jace's golden hair in his eyes – smelling of soap and sunlight and underneath the salty and ferrous smell of blood.

Simon suddenly remembered flashes of a similar situation not too long ago, as Valentine had cut his throat, leaving him dying. Jace came right in time to save him. The remembered Jace under him – limp, not struggling – his live pouring out of him with his blood, both flowing into his mouth, saving him.

 _I could have killed you._

 _I would have let you._

"Jace, what the hell is wrong with you?!", Simon yelled, but Jace didn't answer and so he held him down, until his rage finally dissolved into tears – tears Jace had held back for too long.


	3. Chapter 2 - Truth

Chapter 2 is finised. I'm so proud of it, cause in some parts I was struggling a bit. In this chapter Simon and Jace make a dicovery and Magnus and Alec face a heartbraking truth.

Don't know if you've seen it, but I've added so paragraphs in Chapter 1 - just if you're wonderning how Jace and Simon met in this Chapter.

Please tell me what you liked - or not.

Happy reading

...

...

...

"Why did you come here?" Jace finally asked Simon after a long silence. Both sat on the floor, their feet dangling over the rim of the house. The sun had set a while ago and New York was full of silver lights, a soft wind carried the noises of the traffic below and the smell of upcoming rain. Dark clouds started to rise at the horizon, cut with flashes of lightning, blending with the city lights.

"I don't know. I thought… maybe… I can't still believe that she is gone… so maybe, that there is a hint we didn't see, a clue to be found... something to proof that she isn't…dead." He had finally said the word _dead_. With saying it, it seemed that all hope, all confidence was carried away with the breeze that stirred Simon's soft brown hair.

"They say murderers are drawn back to the site of crime… I never believed it, but here you are." Jace clenched and unclenched his fists, his knuckles turning white as he pressed so hard, that his short fingernails cut into the heels of his hands.

"Jace, come on, not again." Simon tensed, ready to defend himself should it be necessary, if Jace would freak out once again. "I know you are looking for someone to blame. When my father died, I was furious… I hated my father for dying, my mother for not helping him, I even I hated myself for being so helpless. And you're obviously right in the middle of the second mourning phase. I know how you feel – cause I feel the same."

Jace did not react, so Simon went further on.

"Jace, believe me, I would never have agreed to this plan if I had known what happened. I would never have tricked Lilith to attack me, never fought her. I would give my life to bring Clary back. Every day I wish it were me who died in that night. I would do anything to bring her back… she was a part of me and now that part is gone…"

Jace sighed. It was a deep sigh, all mourning, all sadness, all grief he felt packed into one single sound. He relaxed a bit, first his hands, then the tension left his whole body. Jace turned his gaze to Simon. "You're right. It wasn't your fault what happened to Clary. We had to send Lilith back to Edom and we all knew that the price may be high, maybe too high. But it is our duty to save the world. I know that Shadowhunters live a life full of blood and scars – but it is the first time in my life that it seems unbearable. It seems to me that my father… that Valentine was right in the end, that to love is to destroy and that to be loved is to be the one destroyed. Without Clary I'm nothing. She gave my strength, she showed me that life is precious, that… and now my life is into pieces. And there is nothing I can do about it. No one to blame, no one to hunt down… so I'm sitting on his god dammed roof… hours for hours, searching for clues, trying to imagine what has happened. Because this is the only thing I can do, otherwise I would turn mad…" Jace stopped talking, suddenly aware of that he said too much… but maybe he could talk to Simon so openly, because he knew that the other boy felt the same.

Simon was astonished and somehow embarrassed by Jace's speech – he had never thought that Jace was so reflected, or had feelings at all. He quickly changed the topic: "So, what about giving it one last try? Let's search the debris once again, maybe we are lucky… four eyes see more than two, especially with two vampire eyes."

"You're right", Jace jumped to his feet, more than obvious eager to escape more emotional talk. "Maybe you can recount what happened, you were the only one in the penthouse." Who is still alive, hang unspoken in the air.

"Okay… Lilith and Clary were fighting, somewhere here" he made a vague gesture including more or less the whole rooftop. "I was by the tomb, trying to break the glass, which protected Sebastian… Jonathan… whomsoever."

"Okay… did you see anything… odd?" Jace asked.

"More odd than a Demon-Shadowhunter-Hybrid in a tomb, the sexy mother of demons fighting with my best friend and a mark, which throws… " Simon choked on the word _god_ , "you know whom I talking about - wrath back sevenfold on whoever wants to hurt me… and by the way, why didn't it work on you?!"

"I don't know. Maybe cause I didn't want to hurt you… actually. But stick to the topic. I mean, something unusual, like the runes we found in the Church of Talto, or… I don't know…ducks." Jace interrupted.

"Ducks? But, yes, wait a second… there was a rune on Sebastian's left shoulder. It was red and pulsed. I don't know… it looked harsh and edged. Not like yours. Clary said something of a binding rune…"

"Bindung rune?" Jace interrupted once again.

"It was something she said to Lilith. That her life was bound to the life of her brother… but there was no time for further explanations!" Simon became irritated by Jace and his stupid questions.

"Okay. Just asking. Show me where you stand exactly"

Simon moved over to the tomb, turning his back to the only remaining wall and faced the skyline, which was ablaze with light.

"I was here. Jonathan down here" Simon indicated the stone tomb. "His head in that direction. When Lilith realized that I was breaking the glass, she came from behind, I turned and faced her… she was about to slap me and then the mark went off. From then on it's only a blur. The blast hit me full force and sent me flying over the tomb and through the glass window. Somehow I got hold of a windowsill and tried to make my way back… but then… the explosion, the bright light…" Simon stopped. His throat tight and dry.

Jace was kneeling beside the tomb, his hands searching through the debris.

"Are you even listening to me?" Simon asked and walked around the stone square to join Jace on his side. "Earth to Jace?"

"It all makes sense now." Jace muttered under his breath. "I knew something didn't fit, was strange… SIMON!"

Jace startled as he realized Simon was right beside him. "Holy shit!" He jumped up and embraced Simon – just for a second, but firm and tight.

"I've got it! I've got a hint" Jace was completely changed. He seemed to vibrate with energy, his eyes turned some shades more golden and even a bit carefree.

"What?" Simon was flabbergasted.

"Look. When Lilith and you were on that side of the tomb, the stone should have shielded the blast… and?" Simon just stared incredulously at Jace. "… and on that side there, there should be no soot at all. But there is!"

Simon began to understand what Jace was talking about, but couldn't get the last hint to understand completely. "Go on" he said instead.

"That means there was a portal. Right here. Look!" Jace moved the last chunks of concrete that hid a perfect circular spot of grime. Nothing that could be caused by the explosion that sent Lilith back to Edom.

"So that means…"

"… that Clary is still alive" finished Simon Jace's sentence.

...

Alec opened his eyes. Without turning his head to the left, he knew that Magnus wasn't there. Every time he awoke in the last few hours, emerging from dreams full of blood and falling angels, he could feel Magnus's reassuring and calm presence. After some careful strokes of their hands and some deep glances, he could easily fall asleep again, because he knew with Magnus at his side, nothing could happen to him.

Although he couldn't feel his presence, Alec heard Magnus's voice. Even though he tried to speak in a low whisper, it was clear that Magnus was agitated. Alec understood just single words like Edom, father and bargain.

"So you didn't tell him." Catarina's voice cut in. The female warlock also sounded troubled and other than Magnus she didn't even try to speak muted.

"No, I didn't" Magnus voice rose some shades in its intensity.

"Magnus Bane, you're a coward." Catarina was one of the few people who could talk to Magnus like that – without having to fear to be cursed afterwards.

"I'm not. I'm just caring. He is too weak to deal with more bad news. We just told him, that Clary missing… this would be too much."

"You may be caring, but you are also a coward. What if the others tell him? Even accidentally?" Catarina replied angrily.

"They won't. They promised and otherwise it's not their secret to tell." Magnus sounded sad, not angry.

"Do as you like. But I told you, it will come to a bad end." With that Catarina turned and went away. Alec could hear her stomping steps turning quieter and then disappear.

As soon as Catarina's footsteps faded completely, Alec could hear Magnus sigh and a noise, that sounded like someone resting heavily to a wall.

...

"Oh, you're awake?" Magnus opened the door to the infirmary and looked immediately caught.

"Yes, it's difficult to sleep with you and Catarina fighting in front of the door" Alec replied sour. He sat upright in his bed, two pillows tugged in his back. Since Catarina had disappeared, he had waited for Magnus to come back. "Explain yourself, Magnus."

"Alexander."

"Don't even try to make excuses, I overheard you talking with Catarina and beside that, I knew the whole time, that you're hiding something. So – what is it?"

As Magnus didn't react, just stood forlorn in the room with his shoulders sagged and a defeated expression, Alec added softly: "Whatever it is, I can't be so bad, that I would stop loving you or stop standing by your side. You promised me, if all things get crazy, that you won't push me away. Please tell me, you're scaring me."

"I've lost my magic!" It came out in rush, it sounded more like one word, than a full sentence. _Ivelostmymagic_. And with finally saying it, it was like Magnus couldn't stop talking: "When I went to Edom, Asmodeus was happy to see me, which I definitely didn't expect. Not after how we've parted the last time. But then he turned to his real self – demanding, unyielding and complacent. He blamed me for turning my back on him – all this years ago. I had to beg him to listen to me, to hear what my concern was. I couldn't leave without even trying. He was our only hope. He was my only hope.

I told him about Lilith's, about her hold on Jace and that only some of his magic could help. But he refused. He was annoyed by Lilith and glad to have her in our world. I told him to name his price. He wanted me to stay in Edom, to take my true place at his right side in hell, to rule beside him. I couldn't do that. Not after what has happened, I was a child and he…" Magnus paused, struggling for breath, tears in his eyes. Alec fought the urge to wrap his arms around his love, to comfort Magnus, but he was too afraid to break the spell of his confession. So Alexander remained motionless, even too afraid to breath.

"And I promised to come back. Back to you. I asked him, if there is anything else I could give him. So he took my magic in exchange for the power to break Lilith's hold on Jace."

Magnus stopped again to talk and as Alec thought everything was said, Magnus started with a deep breath – there was so much more he had to tell Alec.

"Coming back and seeing you lying in the alley, I thought all was in vain: going to Edom, facing my father again after so long time, bringing all this awful memories back and confronting me with all the things he had done to me and made me do. Losing you and my magic on the same day… losing my whole life. It nearly killed me to see you with this arrow in your chest, all that blood… but you survived and that is all that counts for me. Jace is saved and with him you are saved, too. You're still whole.

But since then, the last few days I ask myself all the time, if I'm still enough for you. That you can love me without my magic, without my strength, being just human… being a burden to you." Tears ran down Magnus cheeks, leaving black lines on his golden cheeks, like dark ornaments.

While Magnus had spoken, Alec had stood up and had come closer… slow, but steady, moving carefully - like coming closer to a wild animal, that shouldn't be scared, otherwise it would flee.

Alec couldn't stand it no longer not to touch Magnus, not to comfort him – it felt almost like physical pain. With one long stride he closed the distance between the two of them and wrapped his arms around his love, tugging him tightly and pressing him to his chest, ignoring the pain of his wound.

"Magnus, there is no universe you would be a burden to me. And for me you're not just human… you'll always be Magnus Bane for me. My love. That you scarified your magic for saving Jace… I can't thank you enough, or do enough to counterweight your loss… I'm… I'm so sorry. The price was too high." Alec whispered into Magnus's ear, stroking through is silky hair with tears running down his cheeks, leaving dark and angry blotches on Magnus's shirt.

"Was the price too high to save your _parabatai_?" Magnus whisped back.

But Alec couldn't answer that question. Without Jace we won't be whole, just half of himself. But Magnus lost so much.

Instead of giving an answer, his lips searched for Magnus's and kissed him. His body closed the last inexistent distance between the two of them, leaning into him, curving his body so it fit the right places. Alec softly nibbled Magnus's upper lip, not pushing too hard. He slowly felt Magnus relax, felt that the tension left his body. Confirmed in his doing Alec intensified the kiss – with his tongue he parted Magnus's lips, tentatively exploring his boyfriend's mouth. Slowly and first hesitant Magnus began to rejoin the kiss. His tongue began to caress Alec's. Bit by bit the kiss turned all passionate, speaking all the unspoken words, speaking of love, of loss, of lasting.


	4. Chapter 3 - Apologies

Hey guys, I'm so sorry, it really took my a while to finish Chapter 3. I was so busy and had some kind of writer's block. But I'm finally back :-) I hope you enjoy it.

Please tell me what you liked - or not.

Happy reading

...

...

...

 _The stench of sulfur filled the air. Hot red streams of lava crisscrossed the black volcanic soil, like veins and strangely green clouds of mist billowed through the air. Thy sky was like a mirror of earth: Black clouds darkened the reddish sky, misshaped, winged creatures hiding between the smokes._

 _Slowly she turned around herself – one time, two times. No matter in which direction she let her gaze wander – it looked just the same. Red and black. At random she started to walk in one direction, after some steps she suddenly stopped dead. One of the winged creatures had spotted her and made its way down, straight in her direction._

 _The ground was flat for miles, dotted only with some withered bushes and small heap of stones, and offered no hiding place – besides it was too late: the creature had already found her and cloud fly faster than she could run. She stood still and motionless, waiting for the creature to reach her._

 _As the winged thing came closer, she could make out the features more clearly – its form changed from bulky to a human form and then to a tall and slender boy, wearing black trousers and shirt, black, feathered wings protruding between his shoulder blades._

 _She couldn't move, couldn't run. Somehow fascinated the watched the boy coming closer and gracefully land a few feet away. He touched down softly, small puffs of red dust raised where his feet touched the soil. Without haste almost strolling he came closer while he folded his razor tipped wings behind his back._

 _She knew she should run, run for her life and she willed her feet to bolt, but they didn't move. Although she put the full force of her willpower into this, she stood frozen like a pillar of salt._

 _The boy stood right in front of her, smiling a malicious smile, his head slightly crooked to the side. She recognized the face, she knew that boy, but couldn't name him._

 _Slowly he raised his arms, he softly stroked her collarbones and moved his fingertips higher, caressing her throat and neck._

 _Inwardly she was screaming, but no sound left her lips. As his slim, but strong fingers closed around her throat and pressed hard, she could finally scream one last piercing shriek._

...

Clary awoke screaming. Her long red hair was wrapped around her throat, struggling her, her dark teal silk night grown was wet with sweat and clung to her slender body, cold and sticky. Clary breathed hard, the images of her nightmare still ringing in her head. With a sigh she untangled her hair and swung her legs out of the bed. She shuddered as the bare soles of her feet touched the cold floor.

She walked through the room – a overstuffed bedroom with floral tapestries, heavy curtains, dozens of pillows with flowery printings and countless knick-knack figures – to open the window. Fresh and cold morning air filled the small chamber as she let her gaze wander over the skyline: she viewed a narrow street, opposite the alley were four-story houses with high windows, each decorated with a small wrought-iron balcony. In the distance she could make out the outlines of the Eiffel Tower in the misty morning air.

She watched the sun rise and the city slowly came to life. Clary let her mind wander, wondering how someone could sleep in such an over decorated room, where the people who passed by went to or what _morning_ meant in French. She didn't allow her mind to go back to the nightmare she had. Clary wanted to enjoy the sunrise and some rare minutes of peace.

The first time she woke up, she didn't know where she was. Memories of what had happened on the roof were rushing back to her: Lilith, the binding rune, Jonathan's blackened hand cramped on her own. She had yanked open the window and yelled until she was hoarse and tired of beckoning and screaming. No one of the passerby had noticed her – some kind of magic prevented that things or even noises left the small, flowery room…

The smell of freshly brewed coffee hit her like a wave, heavy footsteps walked up creaky stairs and the door knob of the door that led to her bedroom was turned.

The doorway was pushed open and Jonathan stood in the frame, balancing a tray with two cups of fresh coffee, some croissants, jam, butter and even a small yellow flower is a pink vase in one of his hands.

"Good morning, litte sis!", he said.

"Good morning, big brother!" replied Clary and smiled a broad and happy smile.

...

"Jace?! Where the fuck have you been?!", Izzy paced with long strides towards Jace, closing the distance between them and hit him lightly on the shoulder, as soon as Jace entered through the heavy wooden doors of the New York Institute. "I've tried to call you a billion times. Alec is finally awake and…"

"Get out of my way, Izzy." Jace pushed Isabelle out of his way and started to walk to one of the big screens placed all over the room and casting an eerie blueish light. It was late, the lights turned off and the room was empty, except for Izzy, who must have waited for him.

After Simon and he had discovered the proof that someone had made a portal, they searched the floor more closely than before. Removing all the debris, looking under every stone on the rooftop, but found no further clues. After they decided that there will be no more use in searching, they have parted. Simon went back to Jordan's place and Jace ran the whole way back to the Institute: ignoring red traffic lights, other people or even cars, running as fast as he could, buzzing with the energy of new hope.

Before Jace could reach the screen, Izzy got hold of his arm and jerked it hard so that he had to turn around and face his little adoptive sister. "Iz, look, I've really got important stuff to do. Okay?" He said an a tone only older brothers used on their younger sisters: slightly irritated, superior and dismissive.

"JONATHAN CHRISTOPHER LIGHTWOOD! Are you even listening to me?" Izzy screamed and Jace could feel that the she was oppressing the urge to stomp with her feet – a thing only smaller siblings did. "I said: Alec is awake. Your remember Alec? Your best friend? Your brother? Your _parabatai_? Why aren't you running to the infirmary, instead of doing important stuff." Izzy used air quotes around "doing important stuff" and added more softly after the first wave of rage subsided: "There should be nothing more important than Alec."

"Ah… using my full name to emphasize you're pissed off", Jace said, but only halfheartedly. Suddenly he felt so exhausted, tiredness weighting him down. Jace sighed and sat on a chair, a screen in his back and Izzy in front of him, who stood with her hands on her hips. Jace ran his fingers through is hair, leaving it sticking up in a tousled silver-blue halo. After he sighed once a again, he said: "I were on the rooftop – Simon and me – we searched the debris and found burn marks on the floor. That means someone created a portal and I think it was Clary. So she is probably alive…"

"Go my god, Jace, these are fantastic news!", Izzy knelt down, took hold of Jace's hands with one of hers and with the other hand she lifted his chin. Jace looked at her face, alight with the radiant smile of hers. "I knew she isn't dead", she said.

"Yes, but why isn't she here? She can be anywhere. Hurt or even dead. Jonathan can keep her as hostage or… that's why I have to check on portal activities, call other Institutes, organize a search team…"

"Stop. Jace, okay? Stop it." Izzy said softly.

"What?"

"Punishing yourself." Jace didn't react, so Isabelle went further on: "You blame yourself, that you couldn't save Clary, even none of us could have saved her. And you feel guilty about what happened to Alec. But he is awake now and is going to be fine. And with not going to your _parabatai_ you punish yourself, as you always do, as a really weird kind of recompense. But it helps neither you or him. Alec is waiting for you."

"Iz, I can't…"

"I know, you want to find Clary. I understand that, but searching for portal activities and calling other Institutes is nothing I can't do. You even know I'm better in such things." She smiled. "So, big brother go ahead."

"Izzy, I can't, cause I'm afraid. I nearly killed him, I can't face him."

"Jace Lightwood, sometimes you are really stupid. It wasn't you and Alec knows that. So stop blaming yourself for things you didn't do, take a shower, calm down a bit and then visit Alec. Meanwhile I'll do the researches."

"You're right, little sis. Thank you." Jace stood up, hugged Izzy tightly and gave her a light kiss on her cheek before he left the room, heading to his own bedroom to take a shower.

...

Jace tentatively opened the door to the infirmary. If Alec was already asleep he didn't want to wake him up. As he saw the golden light casted by a beside lamp and heard Magnus's soft voice filling the room, he was half happy and half disappointed to find Alec awake. Happy because he knew that his _parabatai_ was well and safe, disappointed because he had no excuse to leave the infirmary without talking to Alec. Now Jace had finally to give him up to Alec's sentence.

He stopped in the half open door and absorbed the peaceful scene for a moment: Magnus sat in the bed, his back rested on two soft cushions and his golden skin seemed to shine even more in the light of the lamp. In his right hand he held a book and his left hand ran absent-mindedly through Alec's dark hair. The Shadowhunter lay sprawled on his back, his head cradled in Magnus's lap.

The words Magnus read filled the room: "..I suddenly became conscious that someone was looking at me. I turned half-way round and saw Dorian Gray for the first time. When our eyes met, I felt that I was growing pale. A curious sensation of terror came over me. I knew that I had come face to face with someone whose mere personality was so fascinating that, if I allowed it to do so, it would absorb my whole nature, my whole soul, my very art itself. I did not want any external influence in my life. You know yourself, Harry, how independent I am by nature. I have always been my own master; had at least always been so, till I met Dorian Gray…" Jaced opend the door fully and Magnus stopped reading.

"Mags, why did you stop reading?, Alec asked and lifted his head. "Oh, hello, Jace."

"I think my lovely reading voice and Mister Dorian Grey need a drink.", announced Magnus and bedded Alec's head instead of in his lap on one of the pillows and stood up. "And besides that, you two really need to talk." Saying that he passed by Jace, who stood still in the door frame and left the room.

Awkward silence filled the infirmary, instead of lovely words.

"I…"

"I…" Alec and Jace started to speak at the same time.

"You first" Alec said and sat up, his back was now propped against the cushions Magnus used before. "And sit down, please."

Jace closed the door excessively slowly and walked over to the bed Alec was in and sat down on the edge of it. "How are you?" he asked.

"More or less fine. It hurts a bit, but there will be no permanent damage."

"Okay." Jace fell silent once again.

"Jace?"

Jace sighed and finally started talking: "I wanted to say how sorry I am. I'm so endlessly sorry about what I have done to you. I would do anything to make it undone. I wish I could take the pain and fear away from you and endure it myself. To heal the wounds and injuries I tore into your flesh. I wish I could pay the price Magnus had to pay instead of me. It is my fault that he lost his magic, that he had to face his father, that he had to go to Edom. It is all my fault… you should have killed me as you had the change to do so. I hope you can forgive me one day…" his voice trailed off. Jace was staring at his hands, which lay folded in his lap, the knuckles white with pressure.

A light contact touched his shoulder, reluctantly he let him turn around, so that he could face Alec.

"Jace.", Alec's voice was soft. "It wasn't you. I know it, Magnus knows it, we all know it, and the only one who obviously doesn't know is you. It was The Owl. So there is nothing to forgive, nothing to blame you for. I only can guess how desperate your real you must have been, how hopeless. You must have been screaming from the inside. I couldn't kill you as you begged for it and there is no world I wish you dead or even hurt. You're my friend, Jace Lightwood, my brother, my _parabatai_ , a part of me - the better part of me. If you suffer, I suffer, if you are hurt, I am hurt, if you die, a part of my soul will die. As I said, there is nothing to forgive, but I hope you can forgive yourself one day."

"Me, too." Jace whispered barely audible.

...

"… and then we found the charred spot on the floor only a portal can create." Jace closed his summary of what Simon and he had discovered on the rooftop. Jace, Izzy, Alec and Magnus sat on various beds in the infirmary, discussing the last events like they did it usually in the command centre.

"Finally, these are good news, although we don't know if Clary is fine. But at least our biscuit didn't die in the explosion." Magnus was the first one who spoke into the silence.

"Yes, and I think I have some more good news." Izzy added. "While you had your boys-talk, I already called some other Institutes and was with lucky with my third call. The Paris Institute had some unregistered portal activities throughout the whole city just a few minutes after the explosion. Some portals opened in the oldest quarters, like someone was looking for something. They searched the places afterwards, but as they couldn't trace any demon activity or anything suspicious the Shadowhunters in Paris resigned further investigations. They disposed it as a minor incident, until my call. I sent the same request to the other Institutes, but these came up with nothing. So I think we are lucky with Paris."

"I will go to France and search for her." Jace vibrated with a nervous strain. He wanted to start into action – they finally had at least a small clue where Clary could be. He finally could do something and wasn't helpless and dammed into being dormant anymore.

"Jace", Alec interfered. "Please wait some days, let the Institute in Paris do its work. Maybe we're just chasing the wrong track."

"If it were Magnus, you'd be already in Paris." Jace replied. "I can't be stuck in New York when Clary is there and in danger. So please let me go."

"Okay, you're right. But not right now. You've barely rested. Get some hours of sleep and tomorrow you can go to France. And Jace?"

"Yes?"

"Be careful. No solo. Call on reinforcements _before_ you get yourself into trouble. You get me?"

"Yes, boss" Jace replied with a relieved smile.

...

"Are you heading to the library today?" Clary asked and took a sip of her coffee. It was strong and hot and casted out the last memories of her nightmare and her tiredness.

"Yes, still haven't found the book I'm looking for" Jonathan sat crossed-legged on the bed, chewing on a bite of croissant.

"Can I come with you? It's so boring here." Clary dipped her croissant in her coffee.

"It's also boring there. I'm reading through hundreds of books and can't even tell you what I'm searching for exactly. I will know it as soon as I read it."

"You're sure that the book is there? And not anywhere else? You've already spent days of searching and came off with nothing."

"I know it's there. Or at least it was there. Valentine told me – years ago. But he was careful enough not to tell me the title of the book. Only that it was well hidden in one of the books of the Bibliothèque Mazarine. That's complicating things unnecessarily." He took another big bite of his croissant.

'Told' was maybe the wrong word. He had only a few things left of his father: a small golden faerie ring, which allowed to teleport without creating a portal but by just twisting it three times around one's finger, some old and precious weapons and a small bloodstained notebook, all pages covered with Valentine's edged and tiny handwriting. He had read the texts over and over again, hundreds of times and then by pure incident the discovered the barley readable note. As he had read that his heart had accelerated, because Jonathan had known instantly that he had discovered something big, something really big.

"You're fine?" Clary broke through is reverie.

"Yes, sorry. I was thinking about Valentine."

"Did you love him?"

"Hm?"

"Valentine. Did you love him?"

"He was my father", Jonathan replied noncommittally.

"You didn't answer my question." Clary stated.

Just as Clay though Jonathan wouldn't answer the question, he finally started to talk: „To be honest I don't know. For a long time he was the only kind of family I've known. He raised me, trained me, educated me, gave me anything I wanted. But he also was mean, controlling and cruel. He separated me from anyone else, raised me completely isolated in a small countryside house in a green valley in Idris. I've never had other children to play with, or even any other adults to talk to. It was always Valentine and me. But not even that – it was Valentine, me and Jace. I've never got his full attention. He divided his time between Wayland Manor, where Jace lived and the place I grew up. But even if he was with me, some part of him stayed with Jace. I was jealous about Jace, although I didn't know him. I still think he loved Jace always more…" Jonathan paused a moment. He never understood the concept of love. Or even the concept of feelings. He tried so hard to understand them, but he simply couldn't. Valentine had trained him to recognize them, to read the emotions of other people. Even how to imitate and mimic them, but he still didn't understand them. Feelings, love… were still some kind of mystery for Jonathan. He acted on instincts, desires and on longings. And just on them. Only what satisfied him, was important. And he would do anything to be satisfied.

"I think he always was afraid of me, tried to control me, although I was uncontrollable. And because of that he sent me finally to Lilith, abandoned me. So to answer your questions, I don't love him, maybe I did, but he was my father and I'm of his blood and that means still something." Jonathan understood family. Family was blood.

Clary was curious about what her brother felt for Lilith. She set down her cup and was about to ask, but thought otherwise as she glimpsed him. His jaw was tightly set and the cords on his neck stood out as if they were about to snap. The knuckles of his hand which gripped the cup of coffee were white.

Clary reached over the tray and loosened his grip around the cup.

"I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't have asked. I didn't want to upset you."

"No. You didn't. If someone is to blame, than it's Valentine." Jonathan said, but his gaze was still remote and hatred. He set the cup down and reached for Clary's hands and gripped them tightly. "And I think, I owe you an apology."

"Why?", Clary asked, while she brushed Jonathan's hands with her thumbs.

"For locking you up. But it's only for your safety. You're my sister, you're my family, you belong to me. I want to keep you safe, to protect you. And we both know Jace, he will never stop searching for you, even if he believes you're dead. He won't quit his chase. And you know also that he and his friends are a threat. They will hunt us down, if they can. So it's safer for you to stay inside – but I want to show you something. But not now. So will you join me tomorrow?"

"Yes, of course", she answered with a smile.


End file.
